Singing as the darkness lifts 16/10/2023
This morning I cannot determine what the outside world smells of. The air is cold and the stars that are still in the sky are blurred by clouds. When I step back inside the house it seems to smell of toast even though there has been no toast this morning.
So much has happened since the last time I blogged. I completed the second part of my coaching course with ‘In Good Company’ which took me to the halfway mark for the taught element. This felt like a real milestone to me and there was a wonderful feeling of pride when I could see how far I had come and how much I was learning.
I have learned a lot about myself since starting this blog in September and I have much to thank the course for when it comes to this. One of my key thinkings is that if I am going to be a great coach, then I should be able to coach myself when I am stuck. By working through the thoughts and feelings and the gap between my goal and my present state I have seen some truths about where I am and where I want to be.
One of the participants on the course asked me to look through a door at my panic zone and describe to her what I saw, and I realised then that it was the breathing associated with performing. First of all I told her my fears were forgetting my words and not being able to breathe properly because I was nervous. I laughed when I heard myself say about the words because with new reading glasses and the book in my hand this was not even a thing to concern me.
My original goal to perform my poetry out loud in a room of people also made me chuckle when I talked about it because there was no way I was not going to do it. Having been determined to say yes to things and to make more of my poetry time there was no way I was going to turn up at my publisher’s event and not do the reading. I did however want it to be good and to be asked back because my words matter to me, and I want to share them. The real crux of the matter became handling the thoughts and feelings associated with that reading. As someone who has suffered from anxiety and mild panic attacks, I was unsure how I would be when I started the reading. Again the coaching helped when I received the question, “Has this happened before?” My answer? Only when I don’t believe in what I am doing, or I am not being authentic. Having got to the roots of my thoughts and feelings I could reframe this and work on my positive self-talk.
In case you are interested I also worked out that recognition was important to me and that having resigned from my job part of this had diminished, and I was working through a period of finding the next version of me. Not having my values met was putting me out of sync.
I was honest with people about how I was feeling and received warm and positive responses. So much encouragement too from people who knew this was important to me for which I am very grateful.
‘There’s a Doll Thumping in My Chest’ became the poem I used to open my set. Although this was written in response to a mishearing of ‘there’s a dull thumping in my chest’ – a line from a minotaur poem I was writing in a workshop with Anna Saunders – it became an opportunity to relate that feeling of breathlessness with something in my chest threatening to break out. I wondered if it would resonate with people in the audience and it became my poetic way of saying ‘hey, this is a bit nerve wracking for me’!
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There’s a Doll Thumping in my Chest
I spend a long time soothing her to sleep.
She is so restless
and sometimes I feel I am running out of options.
She says she has always been in my chest,
but I think this is a lie.
I can remember a silent time
when nothing stirred there,
when she wasn’t thumping to get out.
When she cries,
and trust me she cries easily,
her whole body heaves and recedes
and even when I am calming her there’s that long hiccupping of recovery
still stealing my air.
I don’t know if it is the thought of people
knowing she’s inside me
that scares me most,
or that she is going to beat her fists so hard
that she breaks right through my ribcage
when they are watching.
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I can’t see the audience when I read so there is always going to be a slight delay between taking my reading glasses off at the end of a poem and focusing in for visual reactions (at least until I use varifocals I guess). During the performance I noted audible gasps, intent listening and felt the encouragement of the audience. And the applause at the end? Well that was an absolute delight.
And what did I learn? That if you factor in dealing with the things you expect to happen, and have your self-talk sorted and your breathing under control and a rose quartz heart in your pocket and your wife in the audience, there still might be something that takes you by surprise. For me this was dry mouth which I have never really had before so I was extremely grateful for the water on hand and know that I can factor this in next time too. Because I am determined that there will be lots of next times.
Here's to all the singing as the darkness lifts, and to all those people who are lifting me and helping me to lift myself.
‘Poetry Jacket on and Reading’
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