Singing as the Darkness Lifts 12/02/2024 (23)

Singing as the Darkness Lifts 12/02/2024 Episode 23

Podcast Link for those who like to listen

 

The air smells cold, not fridge or freezer cold, cold like rocks. There is an essence of moon magic, and I notice how the blue of this morning’s sky complements the moon’s orange crescent from last night.

Time ticks. When I record the podcast for this blog I remove the ticking clock from the lounge. I may have already told you that it is loud when I hear it and then becomes insistent. Sometimes I don’t hear it at all, but it must have been on my mind recently because it inspired a poem. If I didn’t move it it would certainly be there in the background of my recording just like it was when I sent my poems to iamb and Mark Anthony Owen had to edit out the sound.

Time has been coming up for me a lot recently, and it has been interesting to reflect on that.

I have been celebrating the creation of time to do things, and the way I seized time to invest in me and my new path. I have also been reflecting on my Hurry Up driver.

I have looked at my past habits such as timing how long it takes to do some of the boring jobs around the house. There is something about knowing how long I will potentially be bored for that is motivational to me. I have learned that many of the jobs that I procrastinate about are actually pretty short and fit into a segment of the day easily when I get on with them. For example, cleaning the windows comes in way less than half an hour, but is often more of a joy to do in a just out of bed pyjama segment owing to the amount of water I manage to ‘sprinkle’ on myself in the process. I definitely benefit from doing it before my morning shower and perhaps there is also a little extra speed because my pyjamas are not what I normally wear in front of my neighbours.

I also learned that sometimes I feel like I don’t want to do them because I want to be doing something else instead like reading a book, or watching a film and they seem to be getting in the way of my enjoyment. I now like segmenting my jobs and sometimes that segmenting is super helpful. For instance I have clean windows and a clean car today because I needed to spend some time on THAT essay. If you don’t know about the essay itself then suffice to say it took a lot of thinking and writing time over the past months.

So, I was sitting having a think on Friday afternoon and noticed that I had finished my to do list earlier than anticipated. This felt unusual and stopped me in my tracks a little. I was contemplating listening to a podcast or finding a book to read in the forty-five minute slot which had revealed itself to me. I was celebrating the slot. I was  thinking how slots of time had been useful to me lately because of that revelation of breaking things down into small chunks and not having the voice in my head that said if I started something I needed to keep going until it was finished. I was celebrating the way I had approached writing a testimonial the other day and the way chunking it into different parts was refreshing because it felt good to set aside time to read the book, time in a different slot to make notes, time in a different slot to draft, time to refine etc. Me before coaching would have felt the need to do the whole thing in one go and I had applied that thinking to a lot of things which often resulted in feeling very tired and overwhelmed.

Then I checked my emails as a precursor to deciding which podcast I might want to listen to, and I saw that my essay was back in my inbox with feedback. There were lovely comments there which reflected the thoughts I had about the essay. And also referrals. My heart sank. The essay needed work. Then came that voice telling me it had to be done right now and I should keep going until it was done. That identified slot of free time disappeared like a whirlpool. When I thought about it logically I could see that it was not possible to fit it into the evening ahead of me. I was already tired, I was ready for some time off and I was also beginning to feel hungry. If I ever needed to lean in to a situation and my feelings it was now. I listened in to myself and planned a more balanced approach. Address the simpler bits on Friday night, do the more complicated bits on Saturday. I could even see the clear line I was drawing between these two parts.

It took a lot of brain thinking to redraft the bits of my essay that needed redrafting on Saturday and I decided that a good way to counteract this was to insert other things into the day. I decided that if these were practical, useful things this would satisfy me because it felt like a job-like day. Hence the clean windows – a lovely 20 minute break. I hadn’t really anticipated the car would get a look in, but since I had done one wet soapy job I thought I might as well do another. There was also the lovely thought of a bath at the end of all those jobs to wash off the day and move to evening mode. The essay got done and I liked the feeling of achievement of the chunking. I think Kath had to chunk her day too because in-between the different stages of marmalade making she fitted in a reading eye for me.

It is good to know that I am able to begin to recognise old feelings arising, and that I can now listen to my reminders to myself that there are different less overwhelming ways of approaching things. This has a positive impact on me and my family.

I used to say the Hurry Up was in me because I was premature and therefore it had always been there and I had always needed to be early, but there was more about the being early that I needed to set down than this. Some of it was tied to feelings of anxiety and some of it was tied to a feeling of being scared of slowing down because I wasn’t sure what exactly would happen if I admitted I needed to stop. I have undone those knots now thanks to good coaching and good coaching training.

I have also worked through a lot of thoughts and feelings about routines and explored which ones serve me well. The top one for me is having a glass of water before 8am because this definitely starts me on the right track for my hydration needs. It helps me think more clearly if I am hydrated, and I have far less tendency to act in a grumpy way or worry when I am thinking clearer so that’s a clear mind win as well as a body win!

I will end today with a poem. I still have a lovely sparkly glow when I think about Susan Richardson celebrating my work on her podcast, A Thousand Shades of Green, and having just thought about being born prematurely I am reminded of the fact that she read Descendant which is the opening poem from ‘Magnifying Glass’. It was wonderful to think that she found something in this poem that appealed to her.

DESCENDANT

 

I am descended from smugglers,

I hold the darkness of tunnels inside me;

hushed voices, past midnight, alert my ears.

I am descended from strong-armed men,

the readers of the sea.

 

I am descended from those who roam.

I hold the restlessness of wild words;

dawn hours tempt me with their offers of peace.

I am descended from storied women,

the tellers of old tales.

 

I am descended from the unknown,

I hold on to sunsets and dark dreams

and forests

Reckless whispers ride my thoughts

the essence of my being.

 

Oh, and this week's picture is two heart-shaped crumpets with peanut butter and jam (Or a heart-shaped food on a plate). Time was in danger of running away with me on Saturday and just when I knew I needed a break Kath reminded me it was five to five and therefore time for 'Eat the Storms'. I love this podcast and am really enjoying the new interview feature at the end of each episode so the time was definitely right to stop and slow down and listen.

Here's to singing as the darkness lifts and finding the joy in thinking and reflection.